I don't want to talk about it. I have been so happy, sunshine and fucking lollipops - really! But sometimes something just pushes you over the edge, be that an inconsiderate driver, an annoying colleague or that feeling you get after a fart, the one where it takes you spend a second seriously thinking you might just have shit your pants (is that just me?) - also, I don't want to have shit my pants, that's not what's annoying, it's just such a horrible feeling, or so I'm told. Today's beer is another one of those things that really pisses me off, sorry SPOILER ALERT and all that, but this shit pisses me off. Who the fuck ever wanted this? But, in the interests of fairness, I will now drink and review this... thing.
Pump up the Jam
Style - Jam Doughnut Pale Ale (this is not a thing)
Brewer - Tiny Rebel
Hops - who knows? Who cares? What's the point of living anymore?
ABV - 5%
The Beer
I don't think I have had a Tiny Rebel beer that I have enjoyed for about three years. That's probably because I stopped drinking Tiny Rebel Beers about three years ago because I realised I didn't like them. For me they are overly sweet, under hopped and thoroughly disappointing. I seriously doubt that Pump up the Jam is going to convert me back to Tiny Rebel.
First off, this pours horribly. There is body here, but remember this is meant to be a pale ale. It isn't pale, its a murky brown mess with little head. In the depths of your own home, sure drink things that look like a failed first attempt at home-brewing, but imagine getting this in a pub, you'd send it back and ask the bartender to kindly not take a dump in your pint next time.
On the nose there is no subtlety whatsoever. This is all artificial raspberry flavour and nothing else. In no way does Pump up the Jam smell like beer. It smells like a jar of supermarket value range raspberry jam (jelly for any American readers). I cannot describe to you how much I hate what this smells like. It's sweet and nauseating and makes me want to push it away from my face in fear of contamination, rather than swigging it back.
But, like a good little soldier, I will grin and bear it, if only for you my dear reader(s).
I wish I hadn't. This is absolutely awful. The raspberry flavour is thin on the tongue - more evidence that this is just some artificial flavouring job. There is no real bitterness, nor malt nor hop flavour. The raspberry (thin as it is) is all there is until a horrible acrid aftertaste builds up, and builds up until either you choose to continue into migraine territory, or pour the lot down the sink. You should do the latter.
I like pale ales, I like jam doughnuts, but two rights can very easily make a wrong. I will now proceed to demonstrate that two rights don't make a double right. I like sex, I like chilli peppers, chilli peppers in the bedroom well that's a no from me. I like blue cheese, I like milkshakes, a blue cheese milkshake, that's also a no from me. I like pizza, I like dogs, a pizza that smells strongly of dog, well that's not for me. I think I have made my point, but I will lay it out plain - a jam doughnut pale ale is a dumb idea, it was always going to taste like crap and it always will (while this is my personal opinion, it also happens to be an objective truth). Tiny Rebel can and must do better, this is shit.
Score - 0/5
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